How To Make A Leucocyte King
by Lordess Meep
Summary: This recipe holds for ONE Leukocyte King. WARNING: Do not combine regular & premium machine oils when making this. It is recommended that you disconnect from the Internet during preparation. Tama & Leukocyte King.


**A/N: Hello! I was surprised that there are very few fanfics touching on the more obscure characters such as Tama, Leukocyte King, Paako/Zurako, etc. This particular aspect interested me when Tama declared that she had 'created' a strong virus defence based on Gin-chan. It's been sitting finished for quite a while now but I haven't had the time to properly post it until now.**

**BTW, I always prefer to use the Japanese names but 'Hakkekyou Ou' is a pain to type out.**

**Again, suggestions and constructive criticism is always welcome! I'd love to hear your thoughts!**

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**Disclaimer**: Once I get my hands on the license, I vow to release each Takasugi episode with Baka Ouji's voice dub mainly for my personal amusement.

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**How To Make A Leukocyte King**

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"Now Tama, lock up quick and go to bed." Otose directed her employee in her smoke roughened voice. The tone was calm and motherly, even if the face wasn't.

The android decided to skip the 'robots don't need sleep' speech lest she be reprimanded again. Artificial intelligence in Edo was decidedly advanced.

"Good night, Otose-sama." She bowed, the screw ornament in her hair visible, the pink ribbon fluttering.

"Good night, Tama."

She locked up the bar, double checking the traps they had started setting a while back. There were pests breaking into the shop… pests which seemed to leave behind lavender hair and a natto infused stench. Sometimes the maid would find fur padded handcuffs in its wake, the other times dog collars attached to heavy chains.

While artificial intelligence may have become highly sophisticated, it seemed that the vermin Edo harboured had also begun to mutate.

"Task completed." Tama declared to the bare walls of her room just as she lay down on the futon. The lying down bit was new to her. In the beginning, when she had just finished modification of her body parts to become Tama v3.0, sleep to her was just a mode where she used very little power. She particularly favoured the broom closet to 'sleep' until Otose had caught her one day.

"You will use this," the woman had directed her to a very meagre room, "as your bedroom."

It wasn't very different from her old sleeping area except she used the futon to 'sleep' on while standing absolutely upright.

The next time, Catherine had caught her on one of her nightly kleptomaniac jaunts.

"HA!" she had laughed mockingly, unable to resist the urge to put her down, "That is not how you sleep on a futon! I don't know why Otose-san doesn't just dispose of you, you hunk of junk!"

While Tama was almost unfeeling, that didn't mean she didn't catch on to Catherine's cruel tone.

"I am sorry, Catherine-sama." She bowed respectfully, "Do you know you have today's earnings in your hand?"

The older woman had then taught her how to sleep on a futon and then put the money back in the cash register lest Tama provide their employer with a video account of this unfortunate lapse of her memory.

"Powering down for sleep mode."

The inexpressive eyes of the robot maid were deprived of any light before the eyelids slowly closed. Once she was in her comatose state, Tama began running diagnostics on herself using a tiny copy of her. The resulting report was bad, _really_ bad.

A strange looking man in a white, full body jumpsuit presented the results in a grave tone.

"Tama-sama," he addressed a miniature doppelganger of her, "The virus threats on your system have been neutralized but we have a bit of bad news."

Mini Tama shook her head once, indicating the man to continue his report.

"The Leukocyte King was… killed in action."

She looked down, surprised and saddened by the news. A moment of mourning ensued for the deceased anti-virus program after which she faced the news bearer. He cleared his throat, handed her the document he was dictating, and then spoke.

"The security is in shambles and we are looking to rebuild, but it seems that the virus database is out of date. You may have to connect to the Internet later to remedy this. As of now, would you like to generate a new Leukocyte King?"

The report he had handed to her turned into a touch screen with two buttons, one blue, one red, both representing options. 'Yes' or 'No'?

She pressed the former.

"Would you like a generic model or a customized model, Tama-sama? A word of advice, though – I would recommend a customized model with adjustable security options."

After mulling over the man's words for a second, mentally calculating probabilities, Tama quickly chose the customized model option on the touch screen.

"Very well, Tama-sama," he bowed, "I will transfer you over to the main brain now."

He left her midst just as a chair and an enormous monitor materialized before her. Familiar with the procedure, she swiftly took her place on the chair. Just as she had made herself comfortable, a voice rang loud and clear.

"Nice to see you, Tama-sama." A simulation of Gengai-san's voice said, "Please enter your Spell of Revival before continuing."

"MOGAGAZURAMAGUROBAROMI." She enunciated clearly as a replication of Kagura appeared on screen furiously consuming a bowl rice, indicating that the main brain was analyzing her vocal input.

"Password accepted." Gengai-san stated just as Kagura massaged her distended stomach, apparently satisfied, "Welcome back, Tama-sama. How would you like to start creating the Leukocyte King No. 201789?"

She paused for a moment, then commanded.

"Search for the six strongest individuals in the database."

"Roger that."

The result came almost immediately, her efficient system trawling through Exabytes of data in less than a second. It was displayed on the expansive monitor – six photographs representing six strong entities depicted on a two by three grid.

Gintoki.

Kagura.

Sadaharu.

Zura.

Otose.

A pair of glasses labelled 'Shinpachi'.

"Order them by age and choose the 'best five'."

Unsurprisingly, Otose's picture disappeared and the five remaining ones appeared in a single line. Gengai-san's voice chose to dispense a bit of sage advice then.

"Tama-sama, I will repeat the three primary qualities each Leukocyte King must possess – one, intellect; two, strength and three, reliability. I suggest that you screen the finalists via these parameters."

She shook her head as an affirmative.

"Please start the process."

Gengai-san cackled briefly, the disembodied voice's version of satisfied palm rubbing.

"First up: Intellect." He declared. The pictures vibrated slightly as each of their attached statistics were scanned. The result came with Sadaharu's photograph going first and Zura's next.

"Second: Strength." No processing was required here. As soon as the last syllable of 'strength' echoed, the pair of glasses were dropped out of the running with a distinct sound of glass cracking.

"Third: Reliability." The main brain seemed to take a bit more time to come to a conclusion here. Gengai-san finally announced in a hesitant voice.

"H-here we present a simulation of Leukocyte King No. 201789."

A figure materialized in a previously unnoticed spawning chamber. The figure in question walked out of the glass capsule, approaching its future mistress slowly. It leaned in front of Tama in an unmistakable bow.

"Tama-sama, I vow to protect you against all these stupid viruses…"

Tama smiled slightly at her brain's handiwork.

"…as long as I get to crack ten eggs for my rice on your head _every day_."

Leukocyte King No. 201789 picked her nose then, obviously bored.

"A-ah, Leukocyte King No. 201789 welcome-"

No. 201789 threw her parasol at the screen, irritated by Gengai-san's greeting. Cracks originated from where the parasol had struck but they were repaired instantly.

"Oi, who are you calling 'King', huh?" Leukocyte King: version Kagura questioned, her voice layered with thinly-veiled disdain, "Its 'Queen', moron, 'Queen Kagura-sama'."

"S-so, Tama-sama, a-are you pleased with the simulation?" Gengai-san's voice was shaking, obviously terrified.

Tama was in a brief state of shock. On hearing Gengai-san, she decided to right this (very, _very_) wrong.

"Please discard this." She said, her usual monotone slightly strained by witnessing the result of her gross miscalculation.

"Tama-sama, what are you saying? How can you kill off 'Queen Kagura-sama'? I was just born, why are you deleting me now?" Leukocyte King: version Kagura begged before turning violent, "I will kill _you_, you stupid robot! Who do you think rescued you from the garbage? Is this how you pay back _Obaa-san_ for her kindness?"

It took reinforcements, a hundred anti-virus programs, to contain the simulation. The end of the fight came because of Gengai-san – like always, he had thought ahead and planted a secret overloading code into No.201789. An explosion occurred after the bodysuit-ed men had retreated to a safe distance.

"I will remember this, bastards!" Leukocyte King: version Kagura declared as the numbers on the countdown on her crown were closing in on zero, "I will come and haunt each and every one of you… hide your egg crackers, assholes!"

A tiny puff of smoke was released from the real Tama's ears due to the detonation.

Mini Tama sighed – her deductions could've caused her system to shut down permanently. Gengai-san wasn't even speaking now, too embarrassed by his doing.

"Please generate the next candidate," she said, "but let me view his statistics first."

"Right away, Tama-sama." The voice was deflated but complied to her request.

On the touch screen that had sprouted from one armrest of her chair, she swiftly adjusted each parameter – decreasing laziness, lethargy, attraction to sweet things and fatigue, increasing reliability and security. She didn't touch the maxed out strength and speed statistics. She thought over it for a moment and decreased the 'ability to spout cool sounding lines under pressure' just a little. She didn't want her creation to be completely boring.

Her new Leukocyte King No. 201789 emerged from the spawning chamber. She admired her design as it walked towards her and quickly fell into a bow, its cape fluttering. She was really pleased when it kissed her hand chivalrously. She only spotted something wrong when she saw his face. She got up from her seat and threw a suggestion to the main brain, before going to oversee other things.

"Change his eyes to blue or those copyright people will definitely come after me."

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**A/N: A bit short but I hope it was okay and not very OOC. In case anyone cares, Tama names Zura took because he frequents Otose's Snack House. If you already knew that, please ignore me, I have a tendency to go off on irrelevant tangents. **

**On a side note, I know the 'glasses' joke is overused… I still find it hilarious for some reason.**

**Anyway… Review! Thanks for reading! ^-^**


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